My own body is a source of conflict which often terrifies me, especially as I age. Aches and pains can completely throw me off balance (literally), sickening me to the point where I can to anything. It can be reactionary and contrary. I suffer if I eat and drink too little, I suffer even more if I eat and drink too much. If I move a certain way, if I move too little, I ache.
During one of my medical exams, I felt like a doll, being moved around, squished, and contorted into various shapes. I started laughing in the middle of it.
I’d been so fearful of all the changes happening; often fearful of being touched too deeply, probed; of what might be lying in wait inside me. Did it ever feel good to laugh after all that!
There’s a wealth of horror to be harvested by my body terrors, but there’s humour as well. Perhaps both at the same time. The two go surprisingly well together, hand in hand.
I can release my fear by laughing, but sometimes what’s happening to my body is no less frightening because I can laugh. I often laugh because it is frightening.
There is something comforting about confronting a mystery inside myself, even invigorating, in spite of the potential horrors and painful changes which await me.
It’s very hard to talk about these changes, even to write about them.
Perhaps saying so will make other people feel less alone. Perhaps it will help us to look the inspiration, the story, the poem, or the blog which can connect us with other people, sharing this fear along with the laugh.
I no longer feel like I’m hiding from myself, trying to not dwell on what might be wrong with me, what I know is wrong with me. It was something I did to try to feel safe, but it only intensified my anxiety.
I’m stripping down my drawers and facing the doctors, facing these aches and pains I was too embarrassed to talk about. Soon I’ll face what lies in wait within myself.
There is inspiration in channeling and copy with my anxiety, in facing my own physicality. I’m still processing it right now. Perhaps it’ll become a poem or even a story.
Right now, I’ll settle for this blog.